Will Ferrell and Nicole Kidman appear in a scene from the motion picture "Bewitched."

This remake of the '60s TV show foolishly bypasses the plot device that drove the sitcom - the marriage between suburban witch Samantha and mortal ad salesman Darren.

It was fun to watch Samantha twitch her nose, but the idea of the mismatched couple is really what grabbed audiences. There was a dynamic - Sam practicing witchcraft and Darren ordering her to stop - that made the sitcom funny. Besides, Elizabeth Montgomery brought a certain something to the role.

Nicole Kidman plays Samantha in the film and she delivers a rather icy performance - her face is permanently locked into an expression of slight bemusement.

It always seems as though her next line should be, "Hello, humans, you have quite a planet here."

I'm not in the habit of giving one-trick pony director Nora Ephron credit for anything, but it's as if she's trying to take advantage of Kidman's otherworldly qualities in "Bewitched."

Kidman plays Isabel Bigelow, a real witch who ends up cast on a TV remake of "Bewitched." Because Isabel has never lived among mortals, she's naive about our ways and doesn't quite understand that she's being cast on a TV show.

The show stars Jack Wyatt (Will Ferrell), a washed-up movie actor who re-launches "Bewitched" to save his career. He wants to cast an unknown so he can steal all the laughs, and Isabel is an unwitting dupe.

All of Ephron's rushing about makes "Bewitched" ring hollow. The show-within-the-show business is nothing but a put-on, and after a half-hour of inside jokes, the spell wears off.

Actually, Ephron, who wrote "When Harry Met Sally" and directed "Sleepless in Seattle," gives the audience a concrete signal when "Bewitched" runs off the tracks. This comes soon after Isabel, having cast a spell on Jack to make him fall in love with her, decides the whole thing was a bad idea and "rewinds" the movie.

Usually, one must watch reruns of "Gilligan's Island" to see such dramatic innovation. Unfor-tunately for the audience, Ephron finds the "play" button.

She also wastes a fine supporting cast. Michael Caine has a few good lines as Isabel's warlock father, but Shirley MacLaine, playing the actress cast as Sam's mom Endora, is reduced to an overdramatic, chiffon-draped, fluttering peacock in a half-serious homage to Norma Desmond in "Sunset Boulevard."

MacLaine might be ready for her close-up, but it never comes, because Ephron cut her out of the movie. Steve Carell ("Anchorman") does a decent job as Uncle Arthur (played by the late Paul Lynde on the show), but he's also given little screen time.

So what's left? Pretty much Kidman's consternation and Ferrell's one-man show, which is funny for a while but even he eventually runs out of gags.

"Bewitched" continues Kid-man's one-woman campaign to destroy our happy entertainment memories from days past. So far, she's ruined "The Stepford Wives" and zapped "Bewitched."

If she auditions for Lily Munster, I'm starting a petition drive.

Rated PG-13 for some profanity, including sex and drug references, and partial nudity.

Film: 'Bewitched'

Rated: PG-13

Critics say: Æ

Opens: Friday at Regal Pyramid Mall Cinemas, Cortland Plaza Six

Originally published Thursday, June 23, 2005